My Tongue in Cheek Candidacy for Pope

I made a formal announcement of my candidacy for Pope at the Claremont seminary (CST) board meeting. I seek to solidify the United Methodist vote with this blog entry. The following are my qualifications; 1. I believe in the catholic church. I know that has a small "c" rather than a capital "C" but still it is still catholic.

2. I can clean up that financial mess and my butler will not be allowed to handle sensitive, secret, Vatican financial documents. Leaks of sensitive information will be used for testing public opinion alone, not for exposing corruption within my Papal court.

3. I will keep other secrets as well. I will ask my children to use the back door to the Papal residence when they come to visit and Karen has agreed to reside in a basement Vatican apartment to keep from drawing unwanted attention to our life together.

4. I will gladly wear the Papal hat. In my most recent physical I have learned that since turning 60 I have shrunk half and inch in height. The hat will help me appear taller. I also promise not to cross my legs and expose the red papal shoes since my feet are the least attractive feature on my body.

5. I will keep secret, until after my election, my intention to grant ordination to women and all persons regardless of sexual orientation.

6. Pedofiles are out. No exceptions.

7. I love Rome, I promise to spend lots of time there. I will balance being a home body with an extensive, exotic travel schedule demanded by the papal office.

8. I have no history in the RC church therefore my name has not been attached to any RC scandals. In the UMC my record may not be quite as clean.

My hope it to carry the Protestant voting block in the conclave. I promise to work hard and hide all things that might make myself or the church look bad to the general public. May the force be with me as together we can write my name in white smoke.